The autobiography of Nigel Owens

After a failed attempt to kill himself, it took guts for professional referee Nigel Owens to come out in the rough, tough world of rugby.

Did your sexuality make you think twice about pursuing your career in rugby?

Definitely. I was only refereeing at a local level in my twenties but my sexuality was a huge burden. It pushed me into depression. I was worried about what people would think. I was also bulimic and taking steroids, and everything got too much. I left a note for my parents, went up a mountain and took an overdose of painkillers. A police helicopter found me. When I pulled through I was told that if they were 30 minutes later I’d be dead. I was so ashamed of what I’d done. I felt I’d been given a second chance and it was time for me to wise up.

Why did you decide to come out?

I was rising up through the ranks to a top level and was on the TV more and people would recognise me. I was hiding my sexuality and lying about it which meant it was difficult for me to have a relationship. I was worried about being seen out with people. So I decided to come out – I told my mum and then told my line manager, who assured me my sexuality wouldn’t be an issue. It wasn’t, for the players or coaches.

What was the reaction like?

I can honestly say I’ve never had a bad reaction. There’s banter about it but everyone takes the piss out of each other. If I’m in the shower some people might say the usual things about not dropping your soap but it’s not in a nasty way. Sometimes people can take things like that too seriously.

Why do you think there are no out rugby or football players?

The reaction I got was so positive, the players don’t treat me any differently, so I don’t know why there aren’t any out players. Maybe players are worried what their teammates will think or if it will affect their career. Gay players will get abuse but, in football, everyone gets abuse. People could take a step back and realise it isn’t personal, it’s just the way it is, not that it’s right. Supporters will give players abuse for anything, not just because they’re gay.

Rugby’s known for being quite homoerotic with all the naked drinking shenanigans. What’s that all about?

It’s just the old-fashioned drinking culture: you have a few beers and let your hair down or, in some cases, your trousers. I’ve been with a few players and mates when they do their shenanigans, they just treat me like one of the lads.

Rugby’s straight stars are increasingly exhibitionist. The Stade Français rugby team has produced Dieux du Stade, a calendar of naked players every year since 2001.

French national fly-half Frédéric Michalak has appeared on the cover of Attitude magazine, as has happily married England international Ben Cohen, who last year organised a reception for his gay fans. “My impression is that it would be fine to be able to come out in rugby,” Cohen said. “I think if a footballer came out as gay, he would be unbelievably wealthy and unbelievable famous, all because he came out. I think a trend would follow. I think a lot of people in the closet would come out and support it. Sometimes you just need someone to start, it would be a snowball effect that would gain momentum. I think a lot people would say, well, we know that anyway.”

Rugby stars Paul Sackey and Shane Williams showed off their physiques for an advertising campaign.